American Idol-First Ousted Idolette

Tonight, “for one night only, the judges decide,” says American Idol host Ryan Seacrest at the top of Thursday’s show. The one guy and one chick with the fewest viewer votes will be revealed, then the show’s three judges will decide which gets whacked.

Bring out the judges: Steven Tyler is decked out in velvet and shrink-wrap leather, and Jennifer Lopez has put on a sexy cocktail dress for her date with Mr. Rogers, aka sweater-vested Randy Jackson.

The entire population of Idolettes perform Stevie Wonder’s “As,” after which, in a Ford video, all the Idolettes get scaled up to the size of Jermaine “Gentle Giant” Jones and stomp around Los Angeles, stepping over buildings, to Peter Gabriel’s “Big Time.”

Roll tape of Super Mentor and Second-Guesser-In-Chief Jimmy Iovine, who will begin his weekly critiques of the Idolettes’ performances from the previous night.
“God mass-produces billions of people — in my opinion too many,” he begins.
What? So now we’re jumping into the Limbaugh versus Fluke birth-control debate?
“But in the case of Whitney Houston, he stopped everything and made one by hand,” Iovine continues.

Okay, now we know where this is going. Jimmy is addressing the notion that occurred to many on Wednesday — that the girls got a harder assignment when they were told they had to sing Whitney, compared to the boys, who had to sing Stevie Wonder.

Anyway, Iovine continues, because of God, “it’s difficult to sing these songs” — though singing Stevie “is no walk in the park, either.”
Whew!

So let’s whack some Idolettes — there are too many people anyway. Elise “The Dour One” Testone, Hollie “Big Voice Little Girl” Cavanagh, and the enormously talented Jessica Sanchez are called to the front by Ryan.
Elise “didn’t rise to the occasion,” Iovine chides.
Hollie, however, “delivered on the promise.”

And Jessica tackling “I Will Always Love You” was “probably the best performance I’ve ever seen of anyone on ‘American Idol,’ ” Iovine proclaims. But, Mr. Glass Half Empty Iovine worries Jessica will “believe the applause too early” and grow overconfident.

Jessica and Hollie go through, Elise gets sent to The Stools, as Ryan calls the penalty box.

Next, double threat comedian/singer Heejun Han, Jermaine, and Colton “Lestat” Dixon.

Stevie Wonder songs show up all of Heejun’s flaws, Iovine mourns.
And Colton hasn’t found his truth yet.

Jermaine was thinking too much, Iovine says, and takes issue with Tyler having said Jermaine’s Wonder tune fit him “like an Armani suit.” Armani suits, Iovine says, don’t come that large.

To The Stools with Jermaine — Colton and Heejun are safe.
Next a performance by Lauren Alaina, last year’s “Idol” country cutie. Alaina has spent the past year releasing her debut album, dropping weight, and losing that charming shyness. She does a brassy rendition of her single “Georgia Peaches”.
Call forward the interesting but uneven performer Erika Van Pelt, Shannon “Stretch” Magrane, and Skylar Laine — this year’s Lauren Alaina.

Iovine thinks Erika needs to work on her “presentation.”
Nerves “tightened” Shannon’s vocal cords, Iovine says, while Shannon insists her voice only cracked on one note. She is not remembering correctly.
Plus, JLo needs to get used to Skylar sounding “nasally,” because Jimmy likes nasal.

Erika is sent to The Stools where a mike picks up either Erika or Elise saying “it’s the old ladies.” However, they’re soon joined by the teenage Shannon.